Should you address a stranger SIR?

So, should you address a stranger Sir on first contact? Yes or no?

Lately, I’ve noticed new guard subs online bragging about putting Doms in their place. They often shame and expose Doms for expecting to be called “Sir” in the first chat. Surprisingly, other Doms praise this behavior, reflecting today’s trend of valuing public validation over critical thinking and teaching. Here’s what it boils down to: who are you, truly?. Are you a submissive as an identity, or you enjoying feeling like a submissive when having sex?

BDSM Protocol for Doms and subs

BDSM is a deep, spiritual, and serious lifestyle that extends beyond mere sexual or fetish activities. It involves identity, losing our masks, and reaching our true nature and potential with consensual partners in a dynamic of gradual, and sometimes total power exchange.

While some may only dabble in BDSM activities, in over 16 years of active 247 BDSM lifestyle, I found that true fulfillment comes from opening up and giving meaning to your actions. Without this, BDSM can be unsatisfying, unsuccessful, frustrating, or even dangerous. As discussed in the article on why we wear Leather, the “why” behind the “what” is crucial for a rich and powerful experience.

Protocols and etiquettes in BDSM are rituals and behaviors observed within the community. Think of it like how bikers greet each other on the road with a simple fingers gesture that signifies belonging and shared passion.

In BDSM, Dominants and submissives use specific names and titles to express their roles and mutual agreement. For example, a Dom calling a sub “boy” recognizes the sub’s identity, not necessarily a sexual intent. Similarly, a sub calling someone “Sir” acknowledges their own nature and role, showing respect not just to the Dom, but also to themselves (keep reading to understand why).

To address a stranger SIR: empowering a submissive’s identity

Firstly, there are two kinds of submissives: those who embody submission as a core part of their identity and engage with their heart, mind, and body; and those who are sexually submissive, seeking physical submission without deeper emotional or mental involvement. The latter often pursue a simple sexual agenda and a short term satisfaction (where the Dom is usually the one being used as a living dildo), which we believe diminishes the profound emotions true BDSM can offer.

For true subs, acknowledging their nature is a challenging process. Once they experience real Domination, living without it feels illogical and painful. Sporting a hankie, for instance, was once a powerful declaration of a sub’s identity, and it still holds significant meaning. It publicly affirmed their nature without shame. As Doms, we must support this acknowledgment and protect subs from abusers and “fake” Doms in the community (especially talking about findom disguised as sexwork and viceversa). Just as many subs are not true subs, many Doms are not true Doms.

At this point the average woke gen-something would snap “there, you said it. I shouldn’t call just everybody who pretends to be a Dom “Sir”, they must earn my precious respect first!“. You know, I’m alright with that, if that’s your thing, but remember that if you have expectation to find a “real Dom” who deserves you, you should first check if you are a “real sub” and verify what it is that you’re truly offering as well. As of now, you’re simply offering your very entitled eyeroll.

The understandable debate on “earning Respect” from Dominants

Now, while the Old Guard is very strict with subs, it’s even stricter with Doms. We’ve often been publicly aggressive against those who abuse the title and the expectations of submissives (see our views on “Financial Domination” here). We generally dislike today’s scene’s abandonment of protocols and old ways. Also, almost nobody remembers that even between Doms, we call each other “SIR” in High Protocol.

These traditions weren’t meant to hinder new expressions but to provide the structure that offers stability and safety. Every step in the Old Guard ensures that Masters are true Masters, having undergone training and mentorship (see our article on “Who is a Master in Old Guard Leather“). This ensures that subs and slaves have a place where they can feel proud and happy. Protocols, etiquettes, and traditions allow everyone who genuinely means what they say to live their lives to the fullest, and in safety, even when being extreme.

In today’s pattern more than ever, it’s absolutely true that many “doms” are just playing roles to feel better about themselves. Part of the entitled, snotty reaction of many “subs” today stems from the heartbreak and fear that real Doms are gone for good. Yet, it’s also challenging to approach new guard subs as they seem to want everything and its opposite. These new guard subs, despite their judgment and entitlement, appear to fantasize about being found by the very men they keep rejecting and condemning. This contradiction is maybe a fascinating aspect of today’s kinky society; maybe it’s a red flag that this society isn’t making any sense any longer, as it’s driven by woke political factors, instead of being driven by kink.

So, what should a sub do when greeting a Dom for the first time, or when being called “boy” out of nowhere?

A wise lesson from one of Sir Lupus’ Mentors

To illustrate my point, I want to share an experience that profoundly enriched me. During my mentoring in Brussels, as detailed in “My Life as an Owned Alphaboy,” I was opening up in submission to my then Sir. One night I shared my disastrous childhood and my hatred toward my parents, flooding the playroom with tears. When I finished, miserable on the floor, I expected Sir to comfort me and tell me that everything would be okay. Instead, when I said, “I will not be there for them when the time comes,” he slapped me. Shocked, I was about to react, but then he spoke.

“You will be a good son. You will do your part and keep loving your parents, because it shows you love them. No matter how bad they’ve been, you don’t let that drag you down to their level. It doesn’t matter if they still don’t treat you with love and respect. What matters is that you have been a good son. When they’re gone, you’ll know they were bad parents, but you’ll have been a good boy. That’s what matters. Not what others do, but what you give. Give your best and never let others’ inadequacies change who you are.”

This is why subs should—no, must—call Doms “Sir” at all times, unless otherwise ordered. It’s not about the Sir; it’s about you. Your life, your choices, and how you live, is about you. Focus on being a good sub. True Doms are out there, watching, and won’t be interested if you don’t show who you really are.

Calling a man Sir is about etiquette and celebrating our lives and natures; it doesn’t mean you’re sexually available. Here’s how to defuse any problems if an idiot acts out. Notice how you can remain a good sub, making him feel smaller in the process, instead of reacting with arrogance. A sub always has the right to deny any kind of service, but it must be done respectfully. Again, this is for you, not for him at this stage.

Situation A:

You: “Hello Sir, hope You have a great evening!”

Him: “COME HERE AND LICK MY FUCKING BOOTS BBBOOOI”

You: “Thank You Sir for the generous offer, but this boy was just showing correct Protocol. Have a great evening Sir”

Situation B:

Him: “Hey boy! You look like a nice fuck!” (meaning business)

You: “Thank You Sir. boy is flattered, but it doesn’t feel comfortable with being involved in anything, thanks”

And so on. You can simply put a man down with a smile and being kind and Respectful, while showing your complete lack of personal interest. Again, this doesn’t mean you should behave like this as a default in your every day life.

Remember, if you’re in a Leather club or on a Fetish Chat, a Dom expects you to be there for a reason. Be yourself, be submissive, and enjoy it. It’s a wonderful thing, and nothing to be ashamed or nervous about.

Titles in Old Guard Etiquette

In Old Guard Leather, titles aren’t just nicknames to feel interesting and sexy. They are a big deal. Titles are achieved and given by mentors or leaders in the Leather Family. You can identify as a boy, a slave, a sub, a Dom, or a Sir without formal acknowledgment if it reflects your identity and nature. These titles have deep meanings, and the tradition of earning them ensures responsibilities and a good experience for subs, free from trauma.

One might feel like a “slave” just because they fantasize about being fucked by twelve men and licking their feet. However, they risk finding themselves in extreme situations they might not be prepared for. It’s important to start as a sub, understand what it means to be a slave, and learn what Masters expect. If still interested, one can then work through experiences to reach the pinnacle of taking full control of their life, conquering their identity, and being free from ego’s restrictions. Becoming a slave requires hard training, as does becoming a real Master.

That’s why it’s crucial to restore meaning to BDSM, to titles, and to the lifestyle, rather than altering it to fit personal agendas for public validation. This is what has become toxic in modern queer culture.

So, should you call a stranger Sir if you’re a sub and he is a Dom? Hell yes, if you are a true sub who identifies with these words. Be proud, shine bright, and know you’re doing the right thing even if he’s a douche. If you’re not a “real sub” as described on this website… well, to each their own; feel free to do what you want. Clearly, that’s what you’re seeking.