the Meaning of Punishment in BDSM

In both cases, we find it to be a concept that doesn’t really belong to the actual experience and also mere dictionary definition of what punishment is. I thought to share boy Wolfy’s writing about the meaning of punishment in BDSM as it is in this household; it might be an inspiration, or something to build constructive debate about.

Punishment in BDSM as seen in porn movies

Years ago, I was training a boy who was a newcomer to the actual BDSM scene. He had many fantasies about leather and how punishment was supposed to be part of the erotic power exchange. One of these fantasies went something like this:

boy had disobeyed me, and I was pissed. I ordered him to get up to the sling room and get ready to be punished. I strode in, wearing some incredible leather chaps, covered in a sheen of sweat. I ordered him to strip, which he did quickly. I then walked up and pushed him to his knees and said he had better get ready to be punished (for whatever he had done as he couldn’t remember), and I took out my cock and pissed in his face, saying something about making sure he remembered who was boss.

Of course, he eagerly opened his mouth, taking some in, and enjoyed this and catching the stream all over his face and chest and crotch. I grabbed him roughly and turned him around, pissing on his hole. When I was finished, I was fully hard and ordered him to suck my cock. I pushed it quickly down his throat, and he loved the feeling of it sliding in and out of his mouth, taken out occasionally to swat his face with it. He was so turned on! I then pushed my hairy ass into his face and ordered it to lick, saying after I was done, he’d never mess up again. Oohs and ahhs came from my mouth as his tongue eagerly licked and sucked my hole.

I then ordered him to stand up as I sat on the bed and had him lay across my lap, and I began to lightly spank him, telling him he was worthless and a piece of shit, playing with his hole and cheeks. After that, I had him get on the bed on his hands and knees, and I mounted his ass doggy style. I fucked his ass, rubbing his back, kissing his neck, until I said, “boy, this is what you get for disobeying,” and I shot rope after rope of cum into his ass until it was running down the inside of his thighs. He jacked his cock and came right after while I was still inside as I held him tight and told him how hot his ass was, and by this time, the entire “whatever I did bad” exited, as it cleaned the cum and ass juice from my cock, and we fell asleep.

This boy thought that was what leather and its sexuality was about: screwing up and getting all the hot things done to him, as a way of “punishment.”

What did that boy learn about punishment

In my code, pain shouldn’t be used as a form of punishment. We are BDSM people. We rewire our senses to use pain as a powerful pleasure language.

When this boy met me, I explained to him what I enjoyed and had a very open discussion about things he enjoyed as well. Once I decided to train him, he was given a list of house rules, and he was very excited about me owning a whip (many whips) and the prospect of him taking this whip. Of course, he had the wrong idea, thinking this was for punishment.

As boy found out, I did not use My whip on boys as punishment. This was something based on connection, discipline, focus, and desire, among other things (you can learn about this all in my whipping workshop here). This left boy a bit confused: wasn’t this stuff the way to punish him when bad? How else could he receive My whip? Would he sometimes actually need to ask for My whip? What about getting his ass fucked? All of this was unexpected for that boy.

What was up with boy having to take ownership of its wants and needs? Why can’t W/we just “play the game” and he can be mischievous and have his need met? When boy was asking me all of these questions, I simply said:

“If boy loses focus or forgets his place, why would I reward him for it? Does that make any sense at all? Should I encourage your failures by delivering entertainment? Should I have sessions with you because you manipulate me into it through misbehavior?”

boy thought about it and no, it only made sense if playing, dreaming, role playing, etc. It made no sense within my framework.

The meaning and scope of punishment

Punishment must provoke reflection and responsibility. It should not keep the sub’s mind watered and filled up by the powerful emotions that BDSM generates. A sub must deserve that kind of attention from a Master. The high a sub gets from a session isn’t a given right, it’s the result of true power exchange.

If the sub doesn’t deserve that, then repetitive, unpleasing work or just absence of action, talk, and connection is what will force the sub to think about the situation and its own behavior. Pain is an essential part of BDSM language, and if it starts to be associated with failure or punishment, it will be associated with negative emotions also during positive interactions.

Instead, pain should be rewritten and reconnected as a powerful means of connection between Master and slave, therefore not used as a means of punishment.

One silly, simple example:

This boy and I were having a conversation over video chat, and I had always told boy how I thought he was very handsome. He used to have a bad habit of putting himself down and after I had paid him a compliment, he said, “oh boy is fat.”.

I explained to him it was not, and not to say this again. As expected, boy said this on a subsequent phone call. We are now talking about some very light, drama free punishment here.

He was punished, and it was explained to him why he was being punished and what the punishment would be and what it would accomplish. I ordered boy to write 200 times, “SIR’s opinion of boy’s looks is all that matters.” Well, boy thought, “ok, boy can do this quickly.” After the call, boy began writing. It was harder than boy thought! He could not figure out why it was so hard, and then it occurred to him:

• stage 1: frustration, anger, resentment. Thinking that this was a superficial way of dealing with it, thinking that this was pointless, and so on.
• stage 2: he recognizes that he is frustrated and angered at itself, because he had let his MASTER down, acted inappropriately, and had to deal with his bad habit of speaking negatively about himself.

The task complete, boy sent copies of his completed writing to me. Then I told boy to listen: it was ok to feel perhaps he didn’t look his best that day or week, or maybe his workouts weren’t as hard that day, or just a bit down on himself. The way to deal with these feelings was not to put himself down, acting against my orders, but to be open with me and tell me he was feeling a bit out of sorts and figure out ways to deal with it.