Most non BDSM people wonder, when they think about BDSM “why do bdsm people like pain? Why do they put themselves trough that?”.
Of course, focusing on the what, while ignoring completely the why, makes the answer impossible to be found. Yet, pain for people into BDSM is never about pain itself. It’s never “pain for pain’s sake”; sadism and masochisms are natural inclination of our existence, and we exercise them every day, in our daily life, without even having knowledge of it (and the same goes for Domination and submission).
So how is BDSM something more than the mere exercise of Sadism and masochism? That’s because when pain is used as a language, as a tool, as an instrument, it is highly symbolic, while still being extremely carnal and intense.
The Meaning of Pain in BDSM
Imagine to be at work, wondering through the corridors of whatever company you might be working in. Out of the blue, for no good reason, some guy or gal, smacks you in the face. This nonconsensual exchange would be abusive, and surely trigger a reaction on your end.
Imagine now instead to be a little boy who made something wrong, or is showing a temper tantrum. Imagine to be smacked by your parent. This dynamic isn’t based on consent, but it’s part of the parenting dynamic you have with your parent, who is raising you. It has a whole different effect.
Imagine now, again, to be have decided to let go of all of the pre-conceptions you have about pain, and that you’ve decided to build an intense bond with a BDSM MASTER, who consensually with you will give you pain in terms of intensity, exchange of energy and a symbolic hyperbole of the Domination/submission dynamic. Imagine that his sadism is not the only part of his energy, but a part in which he shines with pleasure and joy, because of your willingness to give enough trust to discover that this pain means intensity, and that said intensity is the essence of your connection with him, during a consensual exchange.
The exchange and administering of pain in BDSM represent a powerful physical and symbolic phenomenon where we perform a celebration of Domination and submission in the expression of celebrating also our natural sadism and masochism, and the connection shared between the partners. Something rare, hard to build, and very precious.
Anybody will give you their arse to fuck nowadays; but how many will be willing to offer you their physical pain (in the context of SSC sexuality)? How many will allow you to get close enough to build something so intense and solid, that goes beyond the cheap pleasure of a Grindr hookup?
If tattoos have a special meaning to you, imagine the first time you got yourself inked. It was a pain you wanted, and you remember almost every moment of it; it was meaningful.
Pain in BDSM: A leap of faith, or a chemical party?
Some submissives (that should not be called “submissive” at all) seek pain as they had ways in their life to discover the incredible chemical reactions that happen in our bodies when we are subjected to pain under control;
- adrenaline
- cortisol
- endorphins
All these chemicals start flowing in your blood. You get literally high. Some Masochists are actual what we call “pain junkies” more than actual slaves, and some of them care really little about any Master and slave kind of relationship. They want the pain, you enjoy giving it. It’s all about pure sensation, and the meaning is not then so important.
On the other hand, a man can have a very low pain tolerance threshold, but because of the power exchange dynamic that a Master has built, because of how much that Master deserves that sub’s esteem and appreciation, the fear of pain itself becomes manageable, as the reward is to make his Sir proud, and to be able to overcome his limits.
At that point, the sensation is still scary but is worth its meaning. For these subs, it’s all about the meaning behind the activities, and it’s completely in the hands of the Master to craft and rewire their perception of painplay, once the sub is working with Him.
Pain is a natural element in life, and in BDSM, we use nociceptive pain to enhance the power exchange between the Dominant and the submissive, unlocking the power of the mind to face physical pain with value during a session, and the strength to accept pain in life, while learning from it.
What is pain?
The Collins Dictionary translates pain as “Pain is the feeling of great discomfort you have, for example when you have been hurt or when you are ill.”
The International Association for the Study of Pain‘s widely used definition defines pain as “an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage, or described in terms of such damage”;[1] however, due to it being a complex, subjective phenomenon, defining pain has been a challenge.
Right there, you already have the key solution to this big chapter in BDSM: pain is a highly subjective phenomenon.
But let’s keep on describing what pain is: scientifically, nociceptive pain (the one we’re talking about mostly, in BDSM, although there other ways pain can be used and felt as a language) works this way: Nociceptors are the specialized sensory receptors responsible for the detection of noxious (unpleasant) stimuli, transforming the stimuli into electrical signals, which are then conducted to the central nervous system.
Rewiring pain: from discomfort to intensity
Nature has designed pain in all beings to be automatically associated with a highly unpleasant sensation, which kickstarts a chain reaction that makes your heart race, and your body jump in the attempt to run away from it, or to fight back. Let’s not forget we are coming from the animal kingdom, where being able to feel a sharp pain and counter react immediately is a matter of life or death.
When you are in a playroom with a trusted Man, though, you’re not in the jungle; you’re not fighting for your life. It’s all about trust; once you’ve learned to give up control, trust your Master and accept your desires, you’re ready to start rewiring pain itself.
Pain is nothing more than electric work interpreted by your brain in a pre-scripted way; good news is that you can override that script. You can channel pain, you can use pain. You can feel pain and yet stop running from it. In the exact moment you’re not scared of pain, and you translate it into the energy that your Master is giving you, and the intense feeling you feel is the answer to that stimula, the passion and deep love that is running through that whip, you’ll still feel the sting of the pain, but you won’t be running from it.
You’ll want more. You’ll grow more and more excited by it, starting to get into a state of euphoria in which you realize how strong you are, how much you can take, and how much you were so scared of something that you can totally deal with.
You become invincible
The Cathartic Symbology of Pain in BDSM
Most people in western societies, thanks to a strongly altered perception of reality given by comfort, tend to have an idealistic dream of a life devoid of pain; a life worth living is a life of
- constant success
- everlasting loves
- relationship that work on all levels
- aesthetic perfection
- beauty
- extreme wealth
- no effort or fatigue
and more. Most adults have instead realized two things: perfection doesn’t exist in nature, and pain is part of life.
Just as shadow needs lightning to exist, everything in this life is a pendulum swing between joy and sadness, pleasure and pain, love and sorrow, success and failure, life and death.
In this sense, accepting pain as a language and part of the many stimuli in BDSM, is also therapeutic psychologically in accepting pain (and other unpleasant feelings such as failure and shame) and its lessons in life; when we overcome pain, when we survive trauma, we cut our tooth. That’s how we keep growing wiser, stronger and, in the end, better and happier people. The same is valid when talking about discipline, not just pain.
On the other hand, in my experience, refusing pain, running from confrontation and hiding away from it, creates unhappy and weak people which will always feel like a failure in front of the challenges that life presents.
And what about love? Those of you whom had the luck to really be in love, or to find the love of their life, already know that in their happier relationship, there always have been a decent level of pain. Wether it was the longing and anxiety of not seeing your loved one for a week, wether it was a misunderstanding, a first fight, or even a second or umpteenth fight, wether it was jealousy, wether it was fear of losing your loved one. The experience of pain is also part of the experience of Love.
On this topic: Just like in BDSM, pain should never be abusive or not consensual; when a relationship becomes painful by default and there is no lesson to be learnt, but always a continuous need of one party to hurt the other, that’s a toxic relationship. Not what we’re talking about here.
Unfortunately, as a consequence of the above stated “naive idealistic vision of a pain-free existence“, love is very difficult to handle to the most. In my case, being a real BDSM person makes me able to accept and enjoy pain from a meaningful Man as part of the Power Exchange that is being created, have made of me a more understanding, caring and patient husband and Master. Accepting love must include accepting the pain that comes with it, the Power Exchange, the chase and the run, the strong emotions, and the ability to give trust, before expecting it.
Conclusions
I tend to think that people who are scared or disgusted by pain in BDSM are people scared to confront pain in life, in general. At the same time I perfectly see how only after having experienced pain in a consensual dynamic of power exchange, one can share the thoughts of a BDSM person; we have been brainwashed by a capitalistic society that has given us the impression that we deserve a happy life made of success, love and good things only. That’s not how life works, in the majority of cases. That idea of wealth is the anomaly. Being afraid of pain makes us weaker, and therefor suspicious and scared of things we still have to experience.
Pain is a natural element in life, and in BDSM, we use nociceptive pain to enhance the power exchange between the Dominant and the submissive, unlocking the power of the mind to face physical pain with value during a session, and the strength to accept pain in life, while learning from it.
FAQs
Why do some people enjoy pain in BDSM?
Pain in BDSM can be pleasurable for some because it triggers the release of endorphins and adrenaline, creating a natural high. This is similar to the "runner's high" athletes experience. Additionally, it can enhance the feeling of being fully present in the moment and heighten emotional and physical sensations. Lastly, and more importantly, it enables and fuels a deep bond of trust and intensity between the two parties.
How does pain release endorphins?
Scientifically, pain stimulates the body's natural opioid system, leading to the release of endorphins. These endorphins act as natural painkillers and mood elevators, promoting feelings of pleasure and well-being
Can BDSM pain be addictive?
While BDSM pain can be intensely pleasurable, it's not inherently addictive. Addiction involves a complex interplay of psychological and physiological factors. However, some individuals may become psychologically attached to the sensations and dynamics of BDSM, similar to other intense activities or interests.
Why does pain lead to heightened emotional experiences?
Pain in a BDSM context can create a strong emotional connection because it requires a high level of trust and communication between participants. The release of endorphins and adrenaline also intensifies emotional responses, making the experience more profound.
Does pain in BDSM have any therapeutic benefits?
Some individuals find therapeutic benefits in BDSM practices. Pain can serve as a form of stress relief, providing a safe and controlled way to explore and release emotions. It can also be a means of empowerment and personal growth
Can BDSM practices lead to long-term psychological harm?
When practiced safely, with informed consent, and proper communication, BDSM is not associated with long-term psychological harm. In fact, many participants report improved mental well-being and self-esteem due to the exploration of their desires and boundaries.
However, nowadays most of the people claiming they are "Masters" they mean they are tops who want to be in charge in the bedroom, without any of the experience, skills, moral compass and self control that being an actual BDSM Master requires. Do practice extreme caution and only submit to people who have verified experience to prove.
How does communication enhance the enjoyment of pain in BDSM?
Effective communication is vital in BDSM to ensure that boundaries are respected and desires are met. Knowing your partner's preferences and limits creates a safe environment where participants can fully immerse themselves in the experience, enhancing their enjoyment and yours.
Dam Sir, you always continue to impress me with your wisdom and knowledge, especially for a man at 29 years old!! Thank you for directing me to this site to learn more about you.
Thank You so much for this article. Truly enjoyed reading Your reflections and opinions. As a masochist, i do find pain a cathartic process that allows my mind to shut off and focus on the sensations of the moment, allowing other issues to file themselves and sort out in my subconscious.
Yes I have to learn different sensations and how to process them, caning is very different to a paddle which is different to a single tail.
As a punishment there are few ways that pain can be used. Punishment for this slave is more knowing that it has failed or let its Superior down.
Again thank You Sir for Your thoughts and research
Indeed, in this household pain is never delivered as a punishment, but only as mean of connection and mutual harmony. If punishment needs to be delivered, it is custom tailored to the subs specific personality, identity and the mistake that has been made, as the goal of punishment is for the sub to acknowledge, process and learn from a mistake, not to “make amend” with pain. Pain has to be associate with a positive feeling, as said in my writing, and not as punitive at all. Thanks for your comment!
SIR thank YOU for a great and moving article SIR
uncollared slave
Pain delivered in the right moment can be a hugely cathartic and endorphin releasing emotions causing a feeling of euphoria. At least that’s just me. However sometimes the moment is t right and pain can’t be processed as a positive, That negative pain is when it is time to rest from the situation take a time out and move on from that situation. the connection made when absorbing a higher level of pain is incredible, its a deep deep understanding….
I believe it all has to do with relationship and training. Taking pain out of context of course can’t be processed as positive, nor can it be viewed as positive, as it is lacking the foundation of the principle, which is consent and trust. When there is consent and trust, and a skilled Master that takes the sub on a journey, then pain can be accepted and be a useful experience for both parties
How pain is perceived and processed is totally related to one’s emotional perception. Many drugs used to control pain raise your pain threshold by lowering anxiety. In a positive BDSM exchange the trust is paramount and the skill of the Dominant to read you well along the journey makes it magic. I want, and am now trained to be aroused by, and enjoy taking pain for my Sadist top. Before our journey, I would have thought that crazy, I am no masochist. But now I want to please! I want that bigger smile, those eyes to sparkle more and Her pupils to dilate. She breaths deeply and that laugh!
Loving your comment. Very happy for you; it’s always inspiring to see that other people around the world have the maturity and experience to truly enjoy what BDSM is about.
Nella mia vita quando ho provato sentimenti forti – amore ovvero dolore per malattia ovvero perdita di persone a me care – ho sentito forte in me la necessità di sublimare tale sensazione con il dolore fisico aventen un forte significato catartico.
BDSM ci aiuta a raggiungere l’apice delle nostre sensazioni e capire noi stessi e gli altri.
Al Master che ci guida in questo processo di introspezione siamo grati.
Grazie Master Lupus per
Quello che ci regali.
Thank you so much Luciano for your constant positive support towards our work to maintain and share the Old Guard Leather culture and lifestyle 🙂
Strong hugs
Lupus
Thanks for this!!! I have enjoyed it a lot! As a person who uses pain in BDSM and also turned it into material for his performance pieces (the two experiences sometimes and somehow ‘blur’, meaning that, without my involvement in BDSM, there wouldn’t probably be my performances), I could not agree more: pain needs to have a meaning, otherwise is pointless. I understand that ‘getting high’ for undergoing painful practices is pleasurable, as we release the endorphines, but, it is much more enjoyable when you there is a meaning behind that, when, in a BDSM session, for instance, ‘you’ experience pain to give your body of the person ‘you’ are submitting to, and when ‘you’ realise that ‘you’ can endure, ‘you’ can overcome your limits, ‘you’ can connect to the person that inflicts ‘you’ pain. That is why I like bullwhip and knowing that my skin is marked and opened: it is like opening my skin and offer my body to my Dominant. Sadly, most people think that, since I am a sub who enjoys pain, I would experience it no matter what. I happened, for instance, to be asked to be just a target by a person (a person I knew and to whom I thought we had a kind relation, btw!) who wanted to learn his skills. He did not want to have a session etc, but just use me as an object for his purpose, thinking that I would accept just because I like pain! LOL (obviously, I bet he would have thrown me in the bid once he had learnt!). I refused, clearly, and told him, aside to go to f@ck himself, that, as a BDSM player, I felt offended and, before learning how to use a whip and inflicting pain on others, he should understand what whipping (or any other BDSM practices) really is.
Thanks again for your article!!!!
And Happy New Year!!!
Luca xxx
wow, that was reveiling! Thank You, Sir – in the name of thousands. slave wonders how it could get its Master into this, since He is not a sadist at all by means of inflicting actual physical pain onto His property- rather going the mental and psychological route. The slave is not a maso, precisely what You just explained in that article, but it does crave for ever increasingly build up pain offered by its wonderful Master, as a moment of trust and deep love for each other on the level of Ownership – not as a partner. The pix up there are just awesome, thanx as well. And an advise would be happily appreciated, how can it get its Master to this stuff without causing anger or worse, frustration in Him? THANKS in advance!
Well, you’re asking to the wrong man in a way. As an Old Guard Leather Master, reading from the slave “how can I get its Master to” is not the right mindset to start with. But I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way. However do remember that the way we write equals the way we show respect also in real life, so choose your words always carefully. Having said that, I’d say that open communication when you’re allowed is always the way to go. You could manifest to Him sponstaneously when you’re talking about these things that you’re excited about it, and you’d love to feel the emotion of surrendering to Him in more ways. However, you also have to understand and respect if He is not into Sadism and pain play as a mean of communication.
Lupus
Come al solito, suo testo mi ha commosso per la chiarezza e la vera anima bdsm che da esso sgorga abbondantemente.
Grazie di cuore
Thank you my friend 🙂
And also thank you for the effort of writing in (very good) Italian.
Let’s stick to english so also the other users can enjoy 🙂
Lupus