When a Dominant submits

What happens when a Dominant submits? What are the different dynamics in play, and what is the value of said submission? Having been in the lifestyle for over 17 years now, I have gained a lot of experience on this topic, first hand.

If you are a Dominant who has subbed to another Master, you know what we’re talking about both in the positive and negative aspect, like when a BDSM relationship comes to an end, and not necessarily in a happy and peaceful way.

Of course, relationships can fail, people can disappoint us, and life goes on; it’s all normal. But I wanted to take the time to think and share why to me, during my training years, it has been such a painful experience, and why I believe there needs to be more awareness and knowledge of the different aspects coming into play when a Dominant man submits to another.

Why should a Dominant submit?

Most Dominant men, or actually dominant people I would say, in the BDSM scene, tend to hide the natural balance and continuum there is inside of each one of us; 20 years ago it was much worse, with a lot of role-shaming going on in the scene, and that would make it even harder for Dominants to explore submission openly, or to explore it at all.

The truth is that human beings are very complex and multifaceted creatures; everything in nature is bipolar, and nature itself is a continuous pendulum swing of elements that contradict each other. Light and darkness, heat and cold, strenght and weakness, and so on. Truly, there is no such thing, or never have I ever encountered such a thing in my experience, where one man is only one thing. Potentially, we all contain infinite possibilities; the way we live and what position do we occupy in the polarities of Domination and submission, is often contextual to life experiences and tendencies.

Yet, that doesn’t mean that a real Dominant shouldn’t have desires of submission, nor that a true submissive can’t be dominant in determined situations (it’s actually more a matter of not feeling any pleasure in exercising dominance).

Moreover, for a Dominant to truly experience submission, is a healthy path for many reason.

Why is it healthy for a Dominant to nourish its desire to experience submission

It’s natural for a Dominant to have fantasies and desires of submission, for several reasons, and it’s never a sign of lack of integrity in knowing who you are and what you want. Actually, stigmatizing said needs, is an act that stems from lack of self confidence, fear and insecurity. It’s healthy for a Dom to sub, because:

• it creates balance within the energies in a person
• it teaches empathy first handedly
• it generally makes for a better Dom to know how it feels to be “on the other side”
• it creates more responsible Dominants
• it gives the person the possibility to express his full potential and grow a lot faster
• if the Dom is a good one, he will feel sometimes crushed by the weight of the role (responsibilities, expectations..)
• last but not least, true submission leads to complete freedom and peace of mind.

In fact, Old Guard Leather requires a dominant who wants to become a Master, to be trained and experience submission first hand. It is a fundamental part in the shaping of a Leather Master.

Sometimes, the drive behind the need for submission in a Dominant comes from some specific emotional and mental dynamics:

Sometimes a Dominant submits to deal with the Impostor Syndrome

The Impostor Syndrome is a phenomena most leading figures (both in business, in family life, in BDSM..) experience. It’s the deep belief not to be qualified or worthy of a title, a responsibilty or the admiration of people around us, for the task that we are carrying on. You can read more about Impostor Syndrome here.

Impostor Syndrome can feel so crushing over time, that even the most Dominant man could find it much more pleasurable not to stay in the Domspace and instead switch to subspace, giving up responsibility, leadership, and finding freedom in said submission. Freedom from judgment, and from anxiety.

While it’s a great thing to submit for a Dominant, I suggest to accompany this choice with also analyzing this emotional and mental condition with a professional or a true friend, or a coach, who can help you realizing that you’ve got nothing to prove to anyone, if not to yourself. That’s because submission used as a coping mechanisms is surely ok for you as long as you’re aware of the dynamic, but might lead you to be using your Dominant partner without realizing that you risk to seriously harm his own self esteem and sense of dominance, starting a dangerous cycle of toxicity and sexual devaluation.

Some Dominants have a healthy Sexual Bipolarism

Sometimes instead a Dominant submits simply because they are very well aligned with their desires and what they like to experience, and they don’t feel the need to be only one thing at at time. These BDSM players often don’t belong to Old Guard, where structures are much more static (because in Old Guard you get to submit completely as the very first step, and often if you decide to become a MASTER and be trained as such, your submission and need for submission tends to feel completely satisfied during training years).

There’s nothing wrong or less valuable in being a BDSM switch; especially in the modern scene where BDSM and Kink seem to be accessories to wear to define some sort of online uniqueness, rather than something linked to spirituality, belief and true dedication to lifestyle, it is extremely common for “kinksters” to be 100% switch.

There are many shades of grey in this scenario; being able to switch doesn’t automatically mean you’d switch with everybody. It’s normal and healthy for a Dominant not feeling like the largest beast in the den, and this is about hierarchy within the polarities, which is a very defining and typical dynamic also in Old Guard Leather.

A Dominant submits trough Old Guard Protocols

As explained in the who is a Master in Old Guard Leather post, in Old Guard you don’t get to become a Master and being validated as such by the community because you so wish; if that’s your wish, your are going to learn fro a Mentor, and you’re going to most likely have to experience full submission with said man, that you have given this delicate role to.

In the path to becoming a real Master, you get to experience everything that your subs will experience, both physically, and psychologically and emotionally.

So that’s another reason why extremely Dominant men might seek submission; they might seek validation on one hand, and to feel worthy of their doing as Master, or they might want to embody from a Mentor the full meaning of Leather Mastery.

So there are plenty of reasons why a Dominant should experience true submission at least once in their life, and there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed about; it doesn’t make you any less of a Dominant, and it’s actually a mark of a real man.

Yet, it does come with some dangers that you should be aware of.

The difference between the service of a Dominant and of a submissive

The main difference is that while a submissive serves out of satisfying his own nature’s need, a Dominant is by default going way out of his comfort zone. What does it mean to sub not as a sexual experience, but as a fundamental and constitutive part of your growth as a Man and Master? What does it mean when you generally don’t have submissive feelings at all, and you choose one or two people in the world to be vulnerable to, and trust blindly in, and let them take the title of Mentor?

Let me clarify this part: we are all vulnerable in BDSM, always. Both Doms and subs can get hurt, yet for a submissive seeking vulnerability is part of the drive. For a Dominant, exposing vulnerabilities and being at service, is anything but standard, and leads to a much more sensitive emotional and psychological balance.

Moreover, there is great importance to this other difference: while a submissive is going to learn about itself during his journey, a Dominant is going to be directly affected in the way he will treat other subs in the future. A good Mentor will inspire the Dominant to be responsible, caring, hard and strict but fair, and integrity driven. But when a Dominant lives an abuse, it is very likely that he is going to reproduce that same abuse onto others, just like it often happens in other areas of hurt and abuse in life.

It’s not at any point about Class A and B submissions, feelings or commitment. There is not a better or worse one, there is not a higher and lower level. Yet there is deep difference.