As expressed in our article on why is it healthy for a Dom to submit, and how is that submission different, I’ll reprise here the topic to look specifically at what can go wrong when submitting to another Dominant, and how it can affect your self confidence, your sense of self worth, and ultimately, your future subs lives.
What can go wrong when a Dominant submits and the possible consequences
As we said, while for a sub submission, servitude and worship are a natural calling, a private pleasure satisfaction and feeling at ease and finally relaxing, to be able to serve is for a Dominant a completely different matter.
It is actually, at least in my direct experience as a coach and on my own skin, about the need to know there is someone in the world you can trust blindly in, let go control to, look up to. The more a man is Dominant and in need to be in charge, the more he carries a crushing heavy weight.
The weight of responsibility, always knowing what to do, what to say, what to think, how to act. So for a Dominant having the possibility to switch and serve, wether just as “fun” or instead into a serious relationship, is something that involves a lot of feelings and tensions.
It’s not our natural role, we feel we are making ourselves extremely vulnerable and exposed in a raw, intimate side of ourselves which links to the soft, tender and fragile part of our mind, which is what is left in you of when you were a boy.
My bad experience when trusting another Dominant
I have been on recon as a premium member for over 10 years. Since I was 19 years old I was looking with admiration at “Boss of Berlin”; he looked in all like an Old Guard real Leather Master, he was almost 3 times my age, pictures in his profile going back to the 80’s and 70’s, him together with slaves in situations that led me to think that they had a life together, that there was a relationship going on, and so on. The profile text supported this narrative.
To my surprise, he engaged with me and wanted to use me for some play sessions. I had no sub experience at all back then, and I was in a monogamous relationship with my husband, so that could not happen, and I have never thought it would have happened anyway.
Then, the rest of the story you all know from the “Of Wolves, Dragons and men” series, which I invite you to read, as they are real pieces of extreme and emotional BDSM experiences, with pictures and much more.
Fast forward, if you have read those articles, you know that we have actually met. Him and I started seeing each other every time I went to Berlin, and he started to be the only reason why I wanted to move my life to Berlin with my Husband or to actually travel to Berlin more than 4 times per year. Every time we met there was not just the “playtime”. There were dinners, breakfasts, ice creams in the park, talks and laughs together with my Husband, there was sleeping together after a Session, there was me letting him putting a metal rod through my penis and cut through in a prince albert piercing, in which he professed being an expert, and more.
And I was so happy, so proud, so very ok with all this, because I thought I was going to learn what I didn’t know from one of the best, and I thought I was gifting the submission I never feel for anyone, to him.
I was systematically led to believe that my submission meant something for him, I though we were building not just a play friendship, but a relationship, which involved also my husband and my subs. He claimed many times that he was my Mentor. The man new exactly that a person like me would never let them whip me to the blood or mutilate my body, just “for fun”.
For me, it takes something extremely serious, a life or death deal. I was giving him all that I had, the most precious thing I had. And I was willingly led to believe we were on the same page. I didn’t imagine this all on my own; it wasn’t because I was too much carried away or stupidly fell in love. He confirmed his intentions about Ownership all the time.
When I wanted to make sure there were no misunderstandings, I told him about my feelings very openly, and he stated during an official interview for the movie Black Collar by SauKerl Productions Berlin, that he “had a leatherfamily like Lupus’ once, and that he would really love to build one again or to be part of one again”.
Still, I was keeping the needed safety distance, just to be sure he was not playing or fucking around with me.
I found myself in an unforseen situational depth, where I felt like giving myself completely to this man, and becoming his Property. I stated very clearly what it meant to me, and the effect it would have had on my life and people under me, potentially my husband too.
His answer, the next day, was to “go read the Bible, Jesaia 43.1”
“1 Und nun spricht der HERR, der dich geschaffen hat, Jakob, und dich gemacht hat, Israel: Fürchte dich nicht, denn ich habe dich erlöst; ich habe dich bei deinem Namen gerufen; du bist mein!”
Translation:
“And now speaks the LORD who created you, Jacob, and HE who made you, says, O Israel. fear not, for I have claimed you; I have given you your name; You are mine!”
When I read those words, I was sitting on a balcony in Moabit, smoking a cigarette and having my first coffee of the morning. It was a nuclear blast inside of me. The man I had such a deep respect of and dedication for, told me that I was his property, that he accepted Ownership, and was doing it in such a solemn way! I was shocked and deeply happy.
What happened next? He disappeared. He started ghosting me everywhere, while I rolled around in my guts trying to understand what did I do wrong. Without going too much in the details of this story, which involved pretty ridiculous gay drama dynamics, the point is that for this guy, it was all a game. More than a game, I was nothing more than the sexy Italian hunk that a lot of people talk about in the scene, that he could use and display to his local community, as a fucking trophy.
He was perfectly aware of my pain, of my feeling like a dog left on the side of the road, which haunted me for years. He decided never to confront me, and never to give me any closure. To me, taking seriously his words, it was like having an invisible Collar I couldn’t remove (more on the meaning of a Collar for Old Guard Leather people like me, here).
Up to this day, Saturday 22nd June 2024, I still see him logging in on apps, and he has never spoke to me or answered any message where I request to talk to have some closure. Nada.
I was so devoted to this man, that it took me 6 years to realize what was going on, and it was extremely humiliating for me. The important part that is related to the article, is the effect it had on me for several years as a Dominant and a Master.
After all, I was just a hot trophy to show. He could have done anything to me.
the damage done also to my penis, by an improvised piercer who claimed to be an expert
I was so proud of it, and so blind to read the actual situation
The consequences of humiliation and betrayal
When a Dominant man submits to you, he is not having a playtime for the sake of a hard-on. He is offering a unique connection, where the Trust Bond is even more fundamental than in any other BDSM Relationship, and you might not notice it, because you’re unaware of how a true Dominant’s heart work.
When a Dom subs out of his will to live this lifestyle to the highest standards of Old Guard Protocol and is being very clear about the reasons why he is offering you his submission, you have a big responsibility in your hands. When carelessly playing with the heart of a man who you are aware is a Dom and is going to handle many men in the future, you have the huge responsibility to affect:
- How will this Master treat his subs in future, as in good and worse, he has absorbed your teachings;
- How will this Master feel about himself, as in good and worse, he has absorbed your image;
- How will this Master perform BDSM safely or not, as in good and worse, he has learnt your skills;
- How will this Master handle tricky situations and difficult subs, as because of the devastation you have left on him, his patience and tolerance thresholds are now thinned to a zero;
- How will this Master be seen and considered publicly, as a Dom who is subbing for you exposes his reputation to the cruelty of the scene, which is often anything but supportive and brotherly;
- How will this Master be able to believe in an LTR; after all, you were his most high example of how a Man can be.
- How will this Master be able to teach and live values in Leather, as in his eyes, your example was the highest one.
Getting hurt as a Dominant and its consequences
When a Dominant man submits, he absorbs a lot during the experience reflecting what he has learned about himself and how to treat a sub, and is generally much more fragile emotionally than somebody who submits out of natural need and tendency. Provided that we do all understand the difference between true submission and pleasing or play servitude.
So, in my case I have shared one of my experiences. How did I avoid to subconsciously cast what I have gone through on my next partners? Unfortunately, I didn’t manage.
This experience affected me deeply, and not in a temporary way. Of course today that I’m updating this article to make it less personal and more useful to the public, I have matured a lot (many years have passed) and most of the wounds have scarred now. But this is the things, the scars are there, and they have changed me. Not always for the better.
So, being a Dominant who chose to be open enough and confident enough to truly and deeply submit to another man, in this unlucky case, changed permanently my path and how I saw myself as a Dom. Because of “Boss of Berlin” and his despicable behavior, I had to go rough therapy for several years, and face the hard choice if to save myself from pain, shouldn’t I have completely drop everything that Leather and BDSM mean to me.
Because that felt like the only way of getting rid of this pain. This, is what this man has done to me, and others. There’s a song by Kris Kristofferson, called “the Taker”, which pretty much resembles this kind of dynamic.
Conclusions, years after
In the end, Mick didn’t win. I didn’t walk away from BDSM and Leather. I have been damaged, but thanks to the help of real Leathermen and my family, I made it out of it stronger, wiser, and I forgave myself for letting this happen to me.
I believe in all fairness that the Old Guard lifestyle aims to some absolutes which are so high, and so valuable, that it is very rare to find men actually able to understand them or live them to the bone. Therefore, these kinds of mishaps happen very often. I believe it all stays in how much I love Old Guard versus how much I loved Mick (and other much more valuable Mentors I had before him) as a MASTER.
For it doesn’t matter how much these Mentors might have failed me or not (some with the best of intentions, some being cruel and thick); what matters is that I am still living this lifestyle, and I must let go of the past and keep bringing on, on my own, what I always had inside of me and was looking in somebody else to confirm myself. Integrity and absolute seriousness about this lifestyle.
This is the kind of life I want, this is the only one possible for me; and if I happened to be the last Leatherman believing in these values, believe that BDSM is not a game, believing that men are meant to be a Pack fueled by Brotherhood and Codes of Discipline, where the word of a man is as worth as his on life, then so be it.
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